So much has happened since the last time I wrote – Part I

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So much has happened since the last time I wrote in my blog. Days pass by, weeks pass by, and every night, when I go to bed, I close my eyes and think: I have not written today. Again.

I feel bad about it, first of all in a writer´s ego kind of way, feeling it is not fair to my readers, even if my readers are probably not that many.

Then I also feed bad because I know writing is good for me, writing makes my head clear, my soul quiet and my spirits high. I know it is good for me and I still don’t do it, like exercise or eating healthy. And I blame myself for it, for not taking good care of myself.

And then, finally, I feel scared. Scared because whenever I avoid writing I am avoiding to learn how I feel, deep inside. Writing makes be honest with myself in a way that only yoga, gestalt or meditation manage to do. And it is much easier, cheaper and faster 🙂

And therefore I wonder, what is it that I am avoiding? What is going on inside me that I don´t want to learn about? That scares me so much that keeps me from writing?

Even now, writing from a new location, the sky roof terrace of my building in Bangkok, I stop writing here and there to try to connect to the internet for the 10th time, an endeavor I know to be as futile as distracting. I guess this is my last attempt to avoid writing, checking the internet connection again and again until I run out to time to write, something I often do.

I breathe deeply and I finally surrender. Let it go I tell myself. Nothing can be so scary, nothing is bad, everything you feel is valuable. And you will feel better after knowing, and even better after sharing, knowing that you will get comments that will cheer you up, make you feel understood, heard, cared for. And knowing that if you are lucky you may even help somebody else feel known, understood, cared for. And when that happens, you realize why you love writing so much, why it is so powerful, why you keep publishing your writings, exposing yourself to the outside world, naked feelings out there for everyone to see and for some to judge.

So much has happened since the last time I wrote. I guess the most important bit is that after almost three months in Asia, we went back to Spain for almost three weeks. The main reason for me to go was to get my Thai visa and to do all the paper work associated to me quitting my job. I came to Bangkok on an unpaid three months leave that could not be extended and after almost three months enjoying a life of freedom and adventure in Thailand, the time came to go back to work in Alicante or quit. The decision was always a no brainer to me. I knew I would quit, I knew I wanted to do it and I knew things would work out well at the end. And yet, what I did not know was how difficult it was going to be. In a way, I still feel reluctant to write about it, like if I felt some kind of embarrassment I don´t fully understand. I guess I find shocking that something so good for me, so clearly right was also so hard to do. When people asked me about it, I always answered in such high spirits, in such a matter of fact way: yes of course, I will quit. Well, yes, it is not nice, but hey, never mind, what´s the problem? I was very flamboyant about it, very confident, very certain.

And yet this was on the outside. Inside, I felt so incredibly sad. I also felt people around me felt so sorry for me, even if I did not. So I started to feel like a victim, the poor wife who has to quit her job to follow her husband to a foreign alien place. People also started to ask what I planned to do with my life, and I started to feel bad because I didn´t know yet. I only knew I wanted to rest and relax, enjoy Thailand and think carefully about my next step. I knew I didn´t want to start anything new just to start it, I wanted to make sure it was right for me and something I felt passionate about. Yep, very nice words, but try to explain this to all these Spaniards obsessed with the crisis, safety, unemployment, career paths and retirement. I had spent the last 3 years of my life surrounded by public servants or public servants wannabes, many of them lovely and wonderful people, most of whom considered safety to be much more important than innovation or following your passion. Man, I felt so alone. I felt like I was so naïf, such an ingenuous dreamer. I felt like I was a weirdo, the strange one, while everybody else were the adults, leading a responsible life, the right life.

The atmosphere around us in Bangkok did not help much. I came here remembering the great experience I had during my first Thai holiday, where everybody around seemed to be in at least their third reincarnation: management consultant, becomes scuba diving teacher, becomes barman and lives happily ever after on a beautiful island. Highly stressed lawyer, takes a year off and becomes an English teacher to then quit again to go travelling in South Asia for a year. And so on. But hey, those were the islands. Here in Bangkok I just seemed to meet people obsessed with working, having an office and something to do from at least 9 to 5, feeling at a lost without that kind of structure. And so I went on feeling more and more inadequate, almost guilty because I was not looking for a job or doing some training or something worthy with my life.

Luckily, just before going back to Spain and just before having to officially communicate my decision to quit, I decided to brave the 50 degrees Celsius and enrolled on the introductory Thai Massage course at the Wat Pho Thai Massage school in Bangkok, probably the most recognized school to learn Thai massage. Massage has always been my passion and the number one reason of my lasting love affair with Thailand. I have tried almost any kind of massage that has come my way: sports, deep tissue, four hands, shiatsu, Indian head, Thai traditional, Thai oil, foot, chinese Tui Nan, traditional Javanese, Tibetan. My biggest dream of all is to sometime become the owner of a Thai-inspired spa: a peaceful, inspiring, beautiful, soul nourishing kind of place.

And so this was a small but also big first step for me, a step in the direction of my dreams. And boy, it was so tough but it also just felt so right. It was exactly what I needed to do back them, a place where I forgot who I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to do with my life, to only live in present, only focus on trying to remember the next position of the massage, the way I should arrange my body, the way I should position my fingers on the other person’s body, the right pressure to apply, where to apply it, at which rhythm.

It felt magic, hypnotic and it was a total disconnection from the anxiety and uncertainty of the future, from the judgments of the environment, from the decision to take…

A decision that was soon to come, a decision that was just so hard to implement … but more on that, on another day, at another time.

Diana

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