The expat dilemma

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It is winter in Alicante and the light goes off around 6 pm, even earlier than in Bangkok, taking away from us the magnificent view of the blue sea and sky that surrounds and soothes me during the day.

It is now dark and I write wearing a thick sweater, wrapped in blankets, the only way I have found to keep warm till the repairmen come to fix our heating system on Monday.

Christmas music fills the house but it does not hinder me from hearing the crickets in the background. Before, during lunch, I was surprised by the total lack of noise we enjoy here.  And I know from experience that tonight, if I open the windows and listen carefully, I will be able to hear the sea, the waves softly kissing the golden and dark sand.

So much peace, so much silence. I can see the effect on those around me, a relaxing soothing effect I have come to love so much. The world stops here. The rush, the hurry, the obsession with doing things or achieving goals. As my beloved and I say, there is nothing better than to sit in our terrace and watch the world turn, motionless viewers of the oldest show in the world: life.

And yet I do not feel the familiar soothing effect yet. Maybe it is too early, maybe I am still too tired from driving many hours, maybe I have changed? I only know my mind is restless, much more restless than it used to be when I lived here. I keep feeling surprised by the total silence, by the cold, by the mountains, by the light, by the fact that I understand everything I hear, by the quiet life people live here.

My mind keeps coming and going to Bangkok and back, and endless comparisons appear: I marvel at how differently we eat and drink here and there, at how differently we live, alone at home and always in crowded streets there, family life and empty streets here in Gran Alacant.

I could continue comparing for such a long time, probably boring you with the apparently tiny unimportant details of my life.

I won´t.

I will let the comparisons continue running it course in my head, leading to some place I am not sure I want to go to, raising one and only important question: what do I want from my life and how would I like to live it?

Diana

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