Every time I remember how much has happened in 2014 I understand my reluctance to write. Just thinking about it is overwhelming enough, how to be able to sum up an entire year it in a couple pages?
And yet, I want to do it, I need to. I feel so overwhelmed and so grateful for everything 2014 brought me. Both for the happy and for the sad moments, for the easy and for the difficult times, for the familiar and for the new, for the farewells and for the new beginnings.
I usually start my lists in chronological order or from less to most important. Not today, not this time. This time I want to start exploring the most shattering event of this year that just ended. The one thing that elates, terrifies and makes me the happiest person in the world, all at the same time.
In four months time, if everything goes well, I will become a mother. From being single to getting married and becoming a step mother to leaving my job and moving to another continent to becoming a mother. It has all happened so fast. Too fast to think, too fast to plan. Too fast to sometimes understand what it means and how life has changed and will change.
And yet, I cannot be happier. It has taken me many years to find out I wanted this, many years to find the right person, the right time. And maybe the hardest of all, it has taken all my strength to be able to publicly admit that yes, I want to have children. Yes, I want to become a mother. Yes, I think I am ready. And yes, I think I can do it and not lose myself in the process, still remain the person I am or a better version of it.
After almost thirty five years hearing why I should be smart and not have children, how it is impossible to keep one’s life and become a mother at the same time, how children mean endless worry, and many more scary warnings … well, it was no easy feast.
Why do something so stupid, right? Why risk losing my freedom, sacrificing my dreams?
And yet here I am, marveled at this little baby that grows slowly but surely inside of me. I cannot feel her yet, looking forward to it as I am. But nevertheless, I already feel such overwhelming love, both for her and for me.
For being able to give myself permission to ignore all those warnings, for allowing myself to trust in our ability to do this right, to be up to it.
For, after all, giving myself permission to love, to love somebody else even more than I love myself.
To be part and to witness the miracle that is life and love.
Thank you for the best present of my life my love.
The best is yet to come.