Life has just changed so much…

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It is Sunday.

It is raining cats and dogs outside the Thai bakery where I wait for my red duck curry, all my body craving the spicy and tangy flavors I did not taste in one week. After all this time in Thailand I still believe in the magical powers of Thai food and its ability to pick me up, to comfort me, to make me feel everything is gonna be all right.

I am on my own with Valentina this week and I am exhausted. Today is Sunday and I sit here, fighting my guilt and the urge to go back home early, finally relaxed after the two-hour massage that gave some relief to my tired muscles, tense and in pain after rocking and carrying my nine kilos of joy so much.

The pretty dress from Zalora Thailand that I wore on my first day at work is hidden under my raincoat and rain trousers, clumsily complemented by my new Crocs ballerinas.

I work full-time now and I got this pretty dress because I did not even know what to wear after not working at an office for so long.

I go to work and back by bike everyday, zigzagging my way around Bangkok like a local. Getting soaked and miserable when it rains. Feeling safer and happier than when I walk.

I became a mom five months ago. And everything changed.

I became a working mom in Bangkok three weeks ago. And everything has changed again.

I have a nanny now. And she is just so great.

I don’t spend most of my day with my daughter anymore. Although we still spend together most of the night.

I cannot remember the last time I slept five hours straight.

I don’t have much time for myself anymore.

I finally have a job I love again. In a super cool company.

I wear Crocs, to work.

I buy my clothes, and my drinks, and Valentina’s diapers and my food and almost everything online,  for who has time to go to the shops?  Not me, not much anymore.

I crave Thai food if I don’t eat it every second day.

I find anything with white rice comforting.

I wear my hair short, for the first time since I  was four years old.

I don’t write anymore.

I sometimes look at myself at the mirror and I wonder, who is this woman looking at me?

I don’t recognize myself.

I shiver at the thought. And while I fight the urge to cry out of tiredness, of exhaustion, of missing you, it finally hits me.

At least I got some things right.

It is raining cats and dogs and for the first time, I didn’t get wet. And our baby is super happy. And you won’t be gone forever. And I just got a two-hour massage. And I am writing these words while I wait for my red duck curry, all my body craving the spicy and tangy flavors I did not taste in one week.

And this is enough. This is so much. And I smile. And I find myself again.

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  2 comments for “Life has just changed so much…

  1. Kerstin
    4 October, 2015 at 10:24 PM

    It tickled me that you (obviously) switched Asos for Zalora.
    And we finally spoke this week.
    And I’ll be hanging with the Avni this week – ex GA (compi Mia), ex Tempe, and now Zalora SG
    Small world

  2. Roberto
    5 October, 2015 at 9:34 PM

    Nice to see you back on track again 🙂

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