It is Sunday.
It is raining cats and dogs outside the Thai bakery where I wait for my red duck curry, all my body craving the spicy and tangy flavors I did not taste in one week. After all this time in Thailand I still believe in the magical powers of Thai food and its ability to pick me up, to comfort me, to make me feel everything is gonna be all right.
I am on my own with Valentina this week and I am exhausted. Today is Sunday and I sit here, fighting my guilt and the urge to go back home early, finally relaxed after the two-hour massage that gave some relief to my tired muscles, tense and in pain after rocking and carrying my nine kilos of joy so much.
I work full-time now and I got this pretty dress because I did not even know what to wear after not working at an office for so long.
I go to work and back by bike everyday, zigzagging my way around Bangkok like a local. Getting soaked and miserable when it rains. Feeling safer and happier than when I walk.
I became a mom five months ago. And everything changed.
I became a working mom in Bangkok three weeks ago. And everything has changed again.
I have a nanny now. And she is just so great.
I don’t spend most of my day with my daughter anymore. Although we still spend together most of the night.
I cannot remember the last time I slept five hours straight.
I don’t have much time for myself anymore.
I finally have a job I love again. In a super cool company.
I wear Crocs, to work.
I buy my clothes, and my drinks, and Valentina’s diapers and my food and almost everything online, for who has time to go to the shops? Not me, not much anymore.
I crave Thai food if I don’t eat it every second day.
I find anything with white rice comforting.
I wear my hair short, for the first time since I was four years old.
I don’t write anymore.
I sometimes look at myself at the mirror and I wonder, who is this woman looking at me?
I don’t recognize myself.
I shiver at the thought. And while I fight the urge to cry out of tiredness, of exhaustion, of missing you, it finally hits me.
At least I got some things right.
It is raining cats and dogs and for the first time, I didn’t get wet. And our baby is super happy. And you won’t be gone forever. And I just got a two-hour massage. And I am writing these words while I wait for my red duck curry, all my body craving the spicy and tangy flavors I did not taste in one week.
And this is enough. This is so much. And I smile. And I find myself again.