I came back different, inspired, determined to do things different today, every day.
I managed to read a book and finish it during these four days.
I managed to relax, to sit down at my room’s terrace and watch the endless sea and the soothing waves, the still life of this big and yet intimate island we were fortunate enough to enjoy for a few days.
I came back different and I like it, I came back different and I want it to last.
I left the house early today, with a new book in my hands.
I read it on the tuk tuk, on the stairs, on the crowded metro, on the streets as I walked to the office.
On the elevator, on the last meters to my desk, standing up in front of my computer while it booted.
I did not touch my phone at all, I did not even have a look at the clock. And I like it.
Mmmmm something stops my thinking. I am in pain today. It is that time of the month I used to hate and that for some reason I now love. I feel the pain and I feel the blood pulsating through my body. I feel it different too, swollen, slow and rhythmic, doing what so many other women’s bodies have done before me. Something I did not feel for almost fifteen months, something that was gone and came back. Something that, today, reminds me I have a body and not only a brain. Something that helps me connect with how sleepy I feel, with how slow I want to take life.
I close the book, I put some make up, I take a pain killer and I slowly a prepare a cup of tea, watching as the boiling water falls on the tea bag and it fast becomes colored.
I then look for some music to help me keep this mood, to carry the momentum forward. Sabina will not do, he talks too much for me today, today it is my words I want to find, I want to hear. Vivaldi’s Four Seasons will not do either, too strong, to energetic, too alive.
And then the obvious choice comes to my mind and here I am, sweetly carried away writing as I have not written in a long time, words flowing easily, feeling so slow, so sleepy, so alive in my quietness, so good in my calmness, so fulfilled by the peace I feel.
Ryuichi Sakamoto keeps playing the piano softly and I keep thinking in the song I have sung so many times during the last four days: “If you are happy and you know it clap your hands, If you are happy and you know it clap your hands, …”
I see her, clapping her hands every time I sing. I see the indescribable joy in her face, your smiling face, their faces.
And I finally feel it, I cannot stop feeling it, it overwhelms me and it makes me cry.
And slowly, very slowly, I smile and start clapping my hands 🙂