We are lying in the sunbeds of the most remote beach of ClubMed, a kids-free zone no less, supposedly to enjoy and relax although in reality I am trying so hard to ignore my feeling of guilt that I am not really relaxed. We left Valentina at the Baby Club for the second time today, and although it was easier than the first time, it was still quite hard.
I left without saying good-bye, sneaking out when she was not looking at me, occupied with the lovely colorful balls she likes so much. And I feel bad about it. I keep thinking that it is not fair to just leave her like this, without saying “see you later, mommy has to go now and you enjoy and have a good time and mommy will be back later for you and we will also have a lovely quality time together”.
Instead, following everyone’s well-intentioned advice, afraid of having to leave her in tears, I followed suit and just left, already feeling bad about it but not really knowing what else to do.
And now I am here, writing these lines some hours later, wondering how I feel. I am starting to feel relaxed, finally starting to remember how it is to have time for yourself, for myself, and energy to do something with it. I am finally remembering what I liked to do when I had time, and it feels great,
But yet something feels wrong, something is missing, for you are not here and it is just so strange. It is like living without a very big part of my heart. Enjoying what I am doing but realizing I do not feel as I used to feel, how can I when part of my heart is not here? And I realize, with joy and also with fear, that I am no longer the person I used to be, that I am now linked by this invisible silver thread to this little human being you are and I shudder just by thinking about it, for I feel so much responsibility and so much love.
And I imagine the future, when you are a woman of your own and roam free around the world. And I realize I will still feel this way, so responsible, so in love.
Such a burden and such a gift. And so life shattering for the rest of my life.
This, it damns on me, must be how it feels to be a mom.
And when I write these words I realize how much I admire you mom, how hard it must have been, how hard it still is and just how brave you are.
You, and all the mothers I know.
With much love